Carlin!

Warning: This may or may not be mildly offensive at some point

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 16:37:58 -0600

A while ago I tried to get something On Demand and had to call Comcast for their help. The lady started pushing me to buy internet from them and I just wanted to get her to stop so I started to lie. Her reactions were very entertaining, so I decided to keep making stuff up…I hope you enjoy one of my favorite parts!

Comcast Lady: I see you don’t have internet service with us, can I ask why?
Me: Sure. It’s just that the internet doesn’t really fit into my lifestyle right now.
Comcast Lady: What do you mean?
Me: I don’t have a computer.
Comcast Lady: Wow! Really?! I don’t think I have ever met anyone who doesn’t have a computer! *This surprised me because she was black.
Me: Yeah, I don’t even have a microwave. I like to keep things simple.
Comcast Lady: Damn girl! *I shit you not, she really said this You are simple!

After this she started asking me tips on how to simplify her life and what kind of stuff you can make without using a microwave. I was able to bullshit this poor woman for 20 whole minutes.

Baby Talk

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 01:26:46 -0600

Tonight I was on my flight to visit my family for 2 days for this “great” holiday season. The lady behind me was sitting with her love child who was probably around 18 months old. It really started to kill me when she began talking to him like he was her 40 year old companion. In my world, the conversation went something like this:

Woman: “I feel like talking, let’s talk. We never do that anymore!”

Love Child: stares blankly at woman and blows a bubble with his nose.

Woman: ”Come on, Jack. Don’t be a jerk! LOLZ there must be something we can talk about! How was your week? Did you get anything done at the office?”

Love Child: makes a scrunchy face…burps, then voms a little.

Woman: “You’re really being a huge ass right now, Jack. I honestly don’t know what else to do with you. I feel like we have been drifting apart. Jesus, I swear, all day you just sit there with your damn hands in your mouth, drooling like an idiot! Don’t you care about us?! What we used to be?!”

Stewardess walks by…

Woman: “JACK! Get your eyes off her tits!”

Love Child: shits pants.

Woman: “God, you’re such a fucking dick.”

Help Feed the Pooches!

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 14:03:21 -0600

Help Feed the Pooches!:

The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to visit their website daily so that they can donate FREE FOOD to abused and neglected animals. Just go to this website and click on GIVE FREE FOOD and you will have donated to an animal in need. Please help the pooches!

As some of you may know, I taught myself how to whistle this past year (I know, I know, I’m...

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 09:43:27 -0600

As some of you may know, I taught myself how to whistle this past year (I know, I know, I’m awesome…) and for those of you that do know about this wonderful feat, you may also remember that I could only whistle to Christmas tunes. Well can I tell you something, please? This season has been absolutely wonderful for me! I have been practicing these songs for nearly a year and let me say that I can whistle the shit out of any Christmas song Kool108 throws at me. So I guess where I am going with that is suck it, Kool108, because you’re not going to catch me falling short this season!

It’s crazy to me the shit people can make using only Legos. Simply. Crazy.

Sat, 19 Dec 2009 19:09:05 -0600

It’s crazy to me the shit people can make using only Legos. Simply. Crazy.

He has such pretty hair! I want to lay in...

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 18:53:00 -0600

He has such pretty hair! I want to lay in it.

lookatthisfuckinghipster:

“Frankie thinks he put too many of his relax pills in his own beer.”

I am about to go see this movie. I am kind of excited as it...

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 14:27:32 -0600

I am about to go see this movie. I am kind of excited as it will be the first time I will venture to the movies solo, but I will be just fine! I sort of broke myself in by going out for breakfast by myself this morning so I guess you could say that I am a pro-soloist!

MMMM...

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 09:21:00 -0600

Man, I love my new microwave, Mike. He is so nice and small! He is also really hot and steamy. Oh no! I feel like I should write him an ode/song to tell him how much I love and appreciate him!

Doo do doo do, doo do doo do

In the early mornin’ when I first wake up

I can’t find no cereal to put in my cup!

My tummy’s rumblin’ and it wont stop

Gettin’ so loud, neighbors gonna call the cops!

Lookin’ through cubards, high and low

Dang it’s cold out- look at all that snow!

Oh my, could it be?

Is that oatmeal that I see?

I turn around and Mike is smillin’

“come on, baby, that oatmeal looks ballin’!”

I turn him on and I push start

Mike heats it up and warms my heart!

Doo do doo do, doo do doo do…. (repeat x’s 2)

*I would be happy to preform this live for you for the small price of a compliment.

I think I have a crush on “The Current” because I stalk their website like I would a...

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 17:42:49 -0600

I think I have a crush on “The Current” because I stalk their website like I would a Facebook boyfriend.

Best. Headline. Ever.

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 21:56:00 -0600

BOUTTE, La. - A 44-year-old woman was booked with second-degree battery after allegedly pouring a pot of boiling grits onto her sleeping boyfriend.

Tiger Woods should change his name to “Cheetah.” BAH! Get it!? It’s a play on...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:16:00 -0600

Tiger Woods should change his name to “Cheetah.” BAH! Get it!? It’s a play on words using a jungle theme!

The woman cop in “Home Alone” that Kevin’s mom talks to on the phone looks like...

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 16:43:00 -0600

The woman cop in “Home Alone” that Kevin’s mom talks to on the phone looks like Woody Harrelson.

Blarg. It’s 2 am and I just can’t seem to sleep so I will write as I listen to the...

Sat, 05 Dec 2009 02:38:12 -0600

Blarg. It’s 2 am and I just can’t seem to sleep so I will write as I listen to the sweet sounds of Wilco….

Tonight was a pretty decent night, on my way home the radio was playing different artists in groups of 3 (it’s what they do) so I got to listen to a few of my favorite GNR songs which is never bad, and I comically decided that my ex must have used “Used to Love Her” as his theme song when he decided he stopped loving me. I especially thought it was fitting when Axl goes…”I used to love her, but I had to kill her” haha, oh you crazy Axl Rose!

After work I hung out with Ry for a while which was neat-o. We went to Old Chicago to meet up with Lara, Eric, and Beth to watch the rest of the Wild game (they won in a shoot out! WOOP!) and then went back to his house to watch Funny People. I really like that movie- it’s dark and a little depressing but I think the ending makes up for it.

Oh downer for tonight: won-ton is being a huge twat face and not only is her one eye constantly closed, but her temp gauge is broke and my car is on the verge of overheating. According to my good pal it’s going to cost mucho dinero to fix :( I think I will just crash her and cash in on my insurance to buy a car that works. Don’t worry, mom. I will wear a helmet and a body suit made of pillows.

My crazy Irish uncle is going to help me get my new dresser tomorrow and I am super excited! I found it at this thrift store and it’s 100 years old and I am getting it for 60 bucks. I was so excited I almost hugged the dresser! Haha. I need to learn how to control my excitement better- I begin to act like a crazy cocker spaniel and start to go nuts over really lame stuff. Sometimes (well actually more like all the time) I get so excited over stuff I literally have to pee immediately…what do you think that means?!

I need to try and make myself sleep now. I have to wake up early to buy Alice in Chains tickets! Wish me luck, wide world web! I will leave you with some lyrics from the song I am listening to:

Over and over and over again
I try to make amends
For everything Ive done wrong
My whole world just spins
Make some coffee, hold me up
Try to talk me out of giving up
I’ll come back to you
It’ll be brand new
But I promise
We’re just friends

I'm not your bitch, bitch!

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 14:30:51 -0600

Being in your early 20’s can be an akward stage. People expect you to have some sort of goal and plan on where you want to be and what you want to do for a living. At the same time, if we do something completely and utterly stupid we can still get away with it.

I am all for doing completely stupid things; however, before I begin my journey on being a tad bit more reckless than I already am, I must first decide what role I would play in prison. This is extremely important for ANYONE to figure out before they set out to break some laws and make people pay for sleeping with them. I believe that if you know what role you will play in any penitentiary and can come to an agreeance with that, then you are ready to go out and make horrible and regrettable decisions. After all, we are in our early 20’s and should start to take some responsibility!

I have decided that playing the “bitch” role would not suit me. For one, I am stubborn and I don’t usually respond to other’s commands. More importantly, I am not one for scissorin’ with my fellow sisters. The other obvious choice for me is that I could become the ”ring leader” and let other people be my bitch. This role also causes a dilemma for me because I am not one to really fight with other people unless I have our lord and savior, Vodka, running through my veins. Seriously though, what would I do? Pull some hair? Bite? Stick ‘em with shanks made from plastic tampon applicators?

You would think that I am all out of roles and thus cannot participate in any sort of fun crime that could possibly land me some jail time…but you are forgetting one small but important role that I could definitely handle. I can be the “right hand (wo)man” the “lapdog” the “second in command.” This, this I can definitely handle. From where I see things, this person has it made. They have complete protection, they don’t really have to be involved in any sort of messy fight, and for the most part they aren’t expected to toss any salad or put their faces near anyone else’s area. Plus they probably have to know how to braid hair (because for some reason women love getting their hair braided in prison)- and guess what! I know how to do that!

So there you have it lady’s and gentlemen- or Jake and Cat because I am pretty sure you two are the only people who read this garbage- I finally am comfortable with my possible future and am ready to go out and embarrass the hell out of my family.

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 22:30:34 -0600

I Saw “New Moon” tonight….Edward Cullen has a sad nipple. But just one- the other seems fine.

Dear Beatrice: I don’t really know how to put this, so I am just going to say it. We are...

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:01:36 -0600

Dear Beatrice:

I don’t really know how to put this, so I am just going to say it. We are over. Now don’t get upset, I know you know that our relationship is not a very healthy one. You are in fact one of the most condescending bitches I know. I have to admit, too, that I am not a saint either. It must hurt your feelings when I call you names like “dirty fucking cunt” and “stupid whore” and tell you I wish your mother was dead.

But enough about me, you are simply and absolutely wretched. Half the time you are so drugged out you can’t even get me where I want to go without taking a ridiculous and absurd route. I have places to be and you are simply holding me back. And another thing, there is really no good reason for you to continue telling me where the fuck my destination is, especially when I am in the goddamn parking lot.

I wish I had more time to sit here and tell you more reasons why you are so horrible, but I am getting so worked up that I can’t stop sweating.

Have a nice life, NOT!

Carlin

And now a small "poem"

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 01:18:18 -0600

I work with a girl named Stephanie

Her sister is named Michelle

I was depressed when her other sister’s name was not D.J.*

*you may now start snapping.

Too Late to Realize!

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 17:16:00 -0500

Last night woke me up to some brand new realizations that would have come in handy more sooner than later. My BFF/roomie and I decided to go out to Prior Lake and visit our friend for her birthday. I have to admit, at first I was a little nervous going all the way out there with no real plan on how to get back after I got my vodka fix for the night. Once we got to the bar and the vodski started flowing through my veins I began to realize I could care less about how I would be venturing home at the end of the evening. I also realized a few other things that hopefully will stick in my memory for a while:

1. When you are drunk you start believing that everyone in the bar knows you and you have shared many memories together.

2. People don’t like to be called “dago cunts”- even if they aren’t Italian.

3. Honda Civics can pose as a bed until you are sober enough to communicate with other humans and find yourself a way to get home.

4. Shamwow’s make terrible blankets.

5. Bar owners will hire you for the summer if you buy them shots.

6. My roommate and I are more times than none “those people” at the bar.

7. It’s apparently easy to drink $90 worth of vodka in 2 hours.

8. $90 can buy you a lot of vodka.

Even though I know there are harder things to go through in life besides a breakup, it still seems...

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 18:25:13 -0500

Even though I know there are harder things to go through in life besides a breakup, it still seems like the most painful fucking thing a person can experience. My brain and heart are so confused and even a month and a half later each day feels different from the last. I have been doing really great the last 2 weeks but then today was one of the most lonely feeling days I have had yet. To try and make myself feel better, I obviously ventured to IKEA to get some new crap that I decided I wanted on a whim. Thinking this would turn my day around I must say it simply made it worse.

On my way to the magical land that I love it seemed like every song on the radio reminded me of some memory that I shared with the person who I thought was the love of my life. Thinking that it would be over once I stepped into the giant blue building in front of me I was reminded that my favorite holiday season is fast approaching due to the giant Christmas trees and bright red decorations that swarmed around me as I tried to fight my way into a different section of the store. It got even worse as “Her Diamonds” started to play and did not seem to stop until it was time for me to check out. At least it’s over right? Time to leave and get away from these constant reminders?

Abso-fuckin-lutely not. Once I got into my car, I knew that when I get home to my apartment it would be empty and would stay that way for another 2 days until my roommate came home from visiting his lovely fiance. It sent a shooting pain to my heart knowing that there would be nobody to talk to once I got there and I would not be able to show off all my new crap to the person who used to care. It makes it even worse knowing that the same person who I miss, and probably will for a very long time, is leaving my life and I will never be able to have those memories or feelings of excitement again. As I sit here and finish writing whatever this is, I am faced with the constant reminder of that as I look at all the boxes full of his stuff and the posters of the concerts we went to all packed up and ready to leave. I just want this feeling to be over and disappear forever, but unfortunately for me I am forced to play a waiting game that I never wanted to start playing in the first place.

Eddie Vedder is so little! I would love to put him in my pocket and go on a nice road trip.

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 22:38:06 -0500

Eddie Vedder is so little! I would love to put him in my pocket and go on a nice road trip.